Walking Away

I don't really like getting too personal too often, nor do I like getting overly specific concerning names in situations like this, but I need to get this off of my chest. This going to be a long one, so brace yourself.

***

I transferred to a different high school at the start of my senior year, but thankfully my outgoing and friendly personality helped me make friends quickly and easily. I joined the choir and auditioned for, and got a lead role in, the school musical. Through all of that I made a lot of good, strong friendships, and one of those was with this girl, Nikki. We got along great, everything's beautiful, woo-hoo, senior year!

Fast forward to last summer, when she was home for break, and I was there working. She apparently had to organize a theater production as part of her degree program, so based on our previous experience working together on stage, she wanted me to be involved. During this time I was working with a contractor, installing kitchen cabinets all over NJ, and most of the time I was home by 7 pm each night. Having this in mind, I told Nikki that I would love to be involved, but I wouldn't be able to make any rehearsals or meetings unless they were scheduled after 7 pm, or on weekends.

Here was my first problem: after having told her this, you'd think she'd keep that in mind, right?

Ha ha. She turned around and scheduled weekly rehearsals for Thursday afternoons at 2.

Um, what?! Obviously I was going to--and did--miss quite a few rehearsals. While this was annoying, I decided not to get upset; I could easily learn my lines on my own, and just work on the staging when we did get together. (I should have seen this situation as a sign...)

Now, being the person that I am, I was enthusiastic about this thing--it had been a while since I had been on stage, and it would give me a welcome distraction. I even got some of my friends involved, one of whom became one of the leads, and one of whom, Joe, one of my best friends, became the director of the show.

So then the end of the summer comes, and we all agreed to keep in contact and have a few rehearsals during the school year. Her campus was only an hour away from home, and I had friends heading that way quite often. Everything seemed great.

Now, for the next few months I never heard from her, even though I tried calling and emailing. We had said we'd have rehearsals, so what's up? Let's do it! Of course, life is busy at college and I can understand and identify with how hard it sometimes is to keep in touch with friends from home.

Then some interesting things happened. I heard from my friend Joe, stories about rehearsals going on, rehearsals I knew nothing about. I even saw pictures. It's not like I couldn't have made it: I could have easily hopped on a bus or caught a ride with someone. This of course made me puzzled...why wouldn't I be informed??

She did call me soon after, apologizing for not keeping in touch as she should have, seeing if I was mad at her for said lack of communication, and making sure I still wanted to be involved. No I wasn't mad, and yes I was excited to be a part of it. (I was going to play a black, female, housekeeper--sassiness, feather duster, cornbread, and all--who falls in love with her boss's huband and then gets murdered.)

Then Thanksgiving break rolled around. Nikki finally sent me a quick message saying we should meet up for rehearsal during the break. Sure, fine, no problem.

So I see my friend Joe on the first night of break, we're laughing having a great time etc. The subject of the play comes up, and since it seemed like Joe was hearing more about what was going on, I asked him if he had heard from Nikki regarding the play. He said communication had been spotty, but they had had one rehearsal, and that Nikki had begun looking for other people to fill my role "in case I couldn't do it."

HOLD UP. Looking for other people? Fill my role? What the hell? I JUST got off the phone with her not two weeks prior, telling her how psyched I was to be involved. So why the hell would she be looking for a replacement?!

Of course, he didn't know--after I told him about our phone call, he was as puzzled as I was. Now I was getting upset. Why had I been wasting my time, learning lines, and scouring thrift stores for possible costumes, if she was just going to replace me???

Of course, any attempts to try and reach her were again fruitless. I was beginning to lose patience and respect for her--sad because she was a good friend.

After not hearing anything from her (no contact to me or Joe), I decided to forget about the project, although in the back of my mind I was sourly anticipating that frantic last-minute "I need your help!" phone call from her, and being me, I was preparing myself to help even in THAT situation, should it arise.

But by February, after neither I nor Joe had heard anything, I decided enough was enough: I threw out my script without a second thought.

May rolled around, and by this time I was preparing to move: packing, getting things in order, spending as much time with friends as possible. My awesome friend Tim planned a party for me, and decided to invite her, I suppose as a gesture--he knew about all this, but also realized the magnitude of my moving away. So he sent her an invitation, to which she readily agreed to attend. "I wouldn't miss it for the world, my love," she said.

The party was at Tim's house, which is literally two streets away from Nikki's. You can just see her house from Tim's deck.

And what do you think happened?

The girl never showed up.

No apology, no explanation, no form of goodbye/I'll miss you/etc. She just didn't show up. No follow up phone call. Nothing.

This left me disappointed, and a bit hurt--weren't we once good friends? What happened? Surely it wasn't my fault?

So last night I sent her a message, saying "What ever happened to you??? We're doing a show together, and then I never hear from you again? And then I was hoping to see you before I moved thousands of miles away...what happened? Hope life is treating you well." I kinda wanted some closure, ya know?

So this is what she sent back (a small miracle in itself!): "Hey. I am seriously working nonstop. I have 6 jobs. Life is treating me the way life does. :)"

Um, what?

At this point, my patience and sympathy is really running thin. I'm sorry, but it really is. Six jobs--ouch. But honestly, is that REALLY all I get??? I had been this girl's friend since 04, someone she could --and often did--rely on, whehter as a shoulder to cry on or somebody to laugh with. I did whatever I could to help her when asked. I was happy to help her with the show, and even got others involved. I brought a lot of character (pardon the pun) and positive, creative ideas to the show. And then, I was getting ready to move 10,000 miles away. Wouldn't the simple act of wishing me well as I moved on, been the nice thing to do? Nobody asked her to stay for the entire party--an appearance would have been fine. If not that, at least a phone call or message offering some sort of explanation of her change in plans. In her message, there's no hint of wondering how I am--not that I need that, but it'd be nice!--and in my opinion it was really rather cold. It's basically saying, hi, I'm too busy to care about you anymore.

Ugh. After the way this whole thing has unfolded, I'm not really interested in being buddy-buddy with her again. I mean, it's kind of hard--and rather pointless--to build a bridge if there's nothing and no one waiting for you on the other side. It's unfortunate, but I'm not losing any sleep over it. I know that high school friendships, though they may have been great, tend to fizzle out if there are no new shared experiences. After a while your friendship just becomes based on memories--not enough to sustain. But the way this went...I feel like there are some negative undercurrents directed towards me.

I guess I just wanted some sort of confirmation that I didn't do anything wrong, or that there was nothing additional I could have/should have done. Am I crazy? Is there something about me that suddenly makes me repulsive? I don't get it.

What do you think? Would telling her any of this be a waste of time? Should I even be caring? Why the heck am I so sensitive about this stuff?!

If anything, this just serves as yet another example of how NOT to treat people...

Listen: "Waiting for Time" - Sam Sparro

Updates!

So after sorting out the whole mess with my address (they were sending things to Easton), I finally received my official acceptance to the University of Cape Town!

As you can see, this place is gorgeous. Now, I loved, and still love, Ithaca, both the college and the city. It's the perfect suburban college town, with lots of things to do, natural beauty, and great views of Cayuga Lake, especially from campus. But Ithaca pales in comparison to UCT. Located in one of the most popular tourist destinations in the world, the main campus is situated on the base of a mountain, and is minutes away from lovely beaches. I've only seen pictures so far, but some of the views from the mountain tops, both of the city itself and the nearby Atlantic Ocean (take THAT, Cayuga Lake!), are absolutely magnificent. I'm definitely going to need to get my camera fixed before heading there.

I got my housing information too, and THANKFULLY I won't have to repeat the, for lack of a better word, interesting freshman dormitory experience. Actually, my experience wasn't too bad--the worst part was the floor bathroom, and the horrifying condition in which it would almost invariably end up during the weekend, when the cleaning staff was off-duty. That's something every college student should experience, I think, but only once, which is why I'm thrilled to have been placed in a campus apartment. I'll have three roommates at the most, but we each have our own, large-for-college, single bedrooms, with a shared bathroom and full kitchen. These residences are usually reserved for second-year students, or students over 21, like myself, which (hopefully) means that there's a better chance I'll have relatively more mature roommates. And I can cook, which means saving money on food, and not wasting food with a traditional meal plan. (With a meal plan, you pay even if you don't eat--say you skip lunch to study? You're still paying. Decide to eat off campus with some friends? You're still paying. Not to mention the un-eaten food that gets made by the foodservice staff, that probably gets discarded at the end of the day...) Being able to cook and having an apartment means I can also entertain...Hey, girl, hey!

So of course, now I'm in the OCD stages--planning, making shopping lists, researching airfare (it's a 14+ hour drive, NOT doing that again with a packed car; plus it's cheaper to fly), getting advice from current students/alumni via Facebook, etc. And of course, counting down 'til February 3....

***

In other news, it's still warm. I feel like it's been summer since June. Granted it was "cold" here in June and July, but it never got below 40 degrees F. Now, I wake up and it's already 68, usually getting to the mid-70s by afternoon. If the weather could stay like this all summer, it'd be great, but I know it's going to get hotter...yuck. The weird part about that is that, it's NOVEMBER. It should NOT be this warm. I love the cold months, so this is definitely something to get used to. (Feel free to email me scanned copies of maple leaves. Kthanks.) I've been checking the weather patterns in Cape Town (CT) as well, and it doesn't seem to get as warm there, which is nice. But I've heard notorious things about CT weather, most notably that it often changes two or three times during the day, and that you should always carry an umbrella and an extra piece of warm clothing to throw on, because at some point, you'll probably need it. If that's true, the unpredictability of that is sort of exciting to me...and I'd rather take those kinds of conditions over sweltering heat any day.

No to mention the fact that I'm missing cold-weather institutions like Thanksgiving and the usual things that come along with it--the Easton/P'burg game, the Bonfire at the high school, the candle lighting in the circle, seeing old friends, the food, and of course, Black Friday. In the stores, I've already seen Christmas decorations for sale... as I walked up and down the aisles in a t-shirt and shorts. My friend Alan asked for a picture of a menorah and a palm tree, and it certainly looks like I won't have any trouble finding that!

***

It's rather interesting to see all of the changes that the world is going through, and to realize my generation, and those that follow, will have be extraordinarily creative--and prayerful-- to find unconventional solutions for our problems. It's equal parts scary and exciting, but I'd rather be excited. Excited to work hard and to make an impact. There's certainly no shortage of issues to deal with...

And it's definitely interesting to see where all of my fellow high school graduates have ended up post-college...some teaching, some traveling, some entering the corporate world, and others that just make you say, wow! My friend Neil, for instance, was recently working in Wyoming with the Deer Habitat Initiative, doing field research in the desert and woods around Saratoga. Another friend moved to Australia. Of course that makes me feel better about moving across the world--at least I'm not the only one! This move made me realize how much I want to travel though. I'd love to live in a few more different countries before I'm 40, and the way things are going, I'm well on my way towards that goal! People keep telling me to write a book...

***

SIDEBAR: If you have children, or know someone who does, you might encourage them to take a closer look at their childcare. I have a friend here whose three-year-old daughter had soap put in her mouth by the director of her daycare simply because they "lost patience." In the mother's own words:

"When I arrived to fetch my daughter, one of her friends (3yrs) says "Morgan's crying , she had soap in her mouth 'cause she was talking". No teacher approached me. No teacher came to get my attention, or for that matter made any attempt to talk to me. So I asked the teacher about this, she confirmed it very firmly. Her words " We Lost Patience" ( these are daycare tachers of children from 2-5 years!) Apparantly after talking through sandwich time, not responding to being humiliated by standing in the middle of a circle of adults and teachers, consistant ignoring of teacher and possibly climbing a fence.....she was sent to the head mistress," who put soap in her mouth.

After reading my friend Tanyetta's story about how her child, along with the rest of his class, was left unattended outside during recess (Tanyetta was later told that she had "unrealistic expectations" after assuming that someone would always be doing their job--watching the children), and hearing this one, I encourage all of you to check on your childcare! We don't want things like this happening unneccessarily to any more children. Don't be afraid to take action!

***

I'll end this post by with a question. Last month my dad and I took a trip to the south-eastern part of the country to visit some old friends of his, a couple who he's known since before I was born. It was a very nice trip, but one thing left me slightly puzzled/uncomfortable.

While casually chatting with the Mrs. on our first night there, I mentioned that I cook.

The next day, and for the rest of the week, she levied the daily kitchen duties to me. I was to decide and plan a menu for each night, and cook it.

Now, I like cooking, and I think--and have been told--that I'm good at it. I cook here at home because my dad doesn't know how (he can, however, turn eggs into baseballs simply by boiling them for 3 HOURS).

But, well, for all intents and purposes, we were on vacation at this couple's home. We were visitors.

Now I understand the whole friends-who-are-family thing, and how I would be included in that, as I am their friend's son. And I certainly don't mind helping out in the kitchen. And to be fair, both Mr. and Mrs. worked during the day. I cooked, and everything was delicious, of course :-)

But, as a visitor, specifically a first-time visitor, should I be expected to be responsible for every meal, even down to the grocery shopping? Isn't the point of being a visitor, and a guest in someone's home, to take some time off??? I mean, sure, we're familiar, but that familiar? So soon? In my opinion, I should know you for at least a month before it's ok for me to know where you keep your sugar honey iced tea (thanks, Tanyetta!). Am I crazy?

***

...Ironically, I'm off to cook now.

Listen: "Radio" - Beyoncé

Beautiful!

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Listen: "Eye to Eye" - Tevin Campbell