The CocoNOT.

For many years, I’ve been annoyed with being accused of trying to be white. People say I’m black on the outside, but white on the inside. In South Africa, I’d be called a coconut.

What do people mean when they say this?

They mean that I am “rejecting” my own black culture, and choosing instead to fashion myself after my white counterparts. According to these people, I do this by speaking and dressing “like a white person,” by listening to “white” music, by keeping company with more white people than I do with black people, and by doing activities that they consider to be “white.”

I see all of this as a huge, self-imposed stereotype. By accusing me of rejecting black culture, people are defining what it means to be black and what it means to be white. According to them, black people dress, act, and speak a certain way. They see any deviation from this program as a “hatred of all things black.”

But who made this delineation? Who decides what things are “black”? What is black culture? Is it cornbread, chicken and waffles, watermelon? Is it hip-hop and booty shaking? Is it speaking slang? Is it 22-inch rims on my Cadillac? Is it Phat Farm clothing, super long t-shirts, and Timberland boots? Where is it written that I, as a black man, must conform to this image? Am I any less black because I prefer to shop at Express Men rather than New York Urban? Less black because I prefer sushi over grits? In a South African context, am I less black because I don’t speak my “native” language? Because I don’t eat tripe or chicken feet? Because I’m not a huge fan of house music? Because I’m wary and critical of the ANC?

If asked, I would probably say that, yes, I am somewhat different than other young black people. But I don’t think those differences highlight any desire of mine to avoid being identified as black. I think those differences arise from differences in upbringing, over which I had no control. I also think those differences have a space to exist in me because I’m not afraid of being myself. And I think those differences make life interesting. All these varying life experiences give us opportunities to learn from each other.

Additionally, there’s an undercurrent in these accusations—people think that I believe myself to be “better than” or “above” other black people. My question is, if all people are created equal, no matter what their race, what’s wrong with me just being me? I don’t think that I am better than anyone else, or that others are above nor beneath me.

Personally, I’d rather not let people’s expectations of me based on my race or background dictate who I should be. I’d rather not be defined according to a stereotype.

I’d rather write my own dictionary.

They Are Not Your Expectations.

In the past few months of being back in school, I've met a lot of people who weren't happy with their course of study. In most cases, this was mostly due to the fact that their parents had chosen degree and career paths for them, rather than letting them decide. One friend wanted to pursue a career in the media, but has been studying medicine for the past four years because her parents won’t fund her studies otherwise. Another was forced into coming to university to study biology instead of following her true passion of fashion design.

On one hand, this is a somewhat understandable phenomenon. Not very long ago in this country, black people were not granted the same access to education that others were. Therefore it would make sense that parents of the current generation of university students want some sort of tangible return on their investment. They want their children to succeed in ways that they could not. They want them to obtain degrees with some sort of “clout,” degrees that guarantee a certain income and lifestyle. They argue (and I agree) that a university education is a privilege, not a right. They know what the job market is like, particularly in a country where the “knowledge economy” (characterized by the shift from industrial and agricultural production, to more “weightless” industries that focus on information: media, communication, creative arts, social sciences, etc.) is still relatively new.

While these are all extremely valid arguments for choosing one career/life path over another, it’s nevertheless saddening to see my peers’ own desires and dreams take a backseat to their parents’ expectations of them. In the case of one friend in this particular situation, I can see how the relationship between her and her parents has degraded almost irreversibly. I wonder if her parents will ever get to know the real girl underneath all of those expectations. I can remember very clearly how horrible it was to be held back by limitations imposed on me by others. The “real me” almost died under all of that pressure.

I’m sure that there are many other factors which, since I’m not a parent (and don’t plan to be), I don’t understand. But my advice to parents would be to let their children be themselves. Teach them to be good decision-makers, and help them to foresee and understand the long-term consequences of their actions. Encourage them to work hard and strive for success in whatever they do. They may, and probably will, disappoint you at some point, but understand that they need to be in control of their own lives, and that they need to live out their own dreams.

Be careful, because if you lose them now (and I’m seeing this happen for that friend right now), you might never get them back.

Updates!

What a crazy four months this has been!


I love being back at school. I love being busy again, and I love waking up in the morning to face a day filled with things to do.


And those things have kept me BUSY! Some days I would leave the house at 8 am and not return until 11 pm. Needless to say, I also love my Sunday-morning periods of laziness. But it’s been worth all of that running around (especially when I look in the mirror to find that more than 20 pounds have disappeared!).


First of all, classes have been going very well. Initially I was worried that it’d be a bit difficult to get back into the swing of things academically after such long hiatus, but it’s been a very easy transition. I’m able to connect the concepts discussed in different courses with my actual life experience, almost on a daily basis. I’m thrilled to be able to fulfil another minor dream of mine and learn French (how’s this for globalization: I’m basically an American, studying a European language at an African university, with a professor who is Brazilian). Also, I’ve noticed how learning French is a mini-tradition in my family: mom studied it in college, and my sister did in high school.


Since my undergraduate degree program takes only three years to complete, I’m considering either an Honours degree, or a Master’s. Two different people in the last two weeks have told me that they saw a doctorate in my future, so perhaps there’s that in my future as well…


On the extracurricular side, things are just as interesting. I’m now a front page journalist (visit UCT’s Varsity Newspaper)! Working on the paper has sharpened my journalistic talents, and has helped me to improve my interview techniques. I covered a speech given in April, and that was a great exercise in filtering out the rhetoric and getting to the “meat” of what was being said.


On the radio, we’ve hired a new station manager, who is dedicated to taking the station to new heights. He’s given me a semi-promotion, so that in addition to doing general news, I’ll also have a daily business news report! During this vacation I’ll be busy researching for that.


I’ve also joined the sub-committee of the Cape Town Globalist, which is the student-run current/global affairs magazine (similar to TIME Magazine), as a contributor and sub-editor. This is a great chance to get more experience writing and editing.


Our choir had two beautiful concerts this semester, as well as a two-day workshop, and if I can brag for a minute, we performed beautifully! I can already see improvements in my own singing, which is always nice. We’re going on a charity benefit tour in September, which I’m helping to plan, and for which we are all excited.


And, next year I will be an Orientation Leader! This is something I knew I wanted to do the minute my own orientation started, and I’m definitely looking forward to welcoming all the freshmen next year. It’ll be a great leadership and teamwork experience. And it doesn’t hurt that it means I get to spend more time in Cape Town…and it REALLY doesn’t hurt that it’s a paid position.


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So school is going very well, but what about life in general? Well, this week marks one full year of my living in South Africa. WOW. It has gone by so quickly. So, a few observations after a year of living here:


-Compared to other African (and other) countries, I’m very fortunate to be in South Africa. While the country does have it’s problems, it’s one of the, if not the largest, economies in sub-Saharan Africa, and there are many things we have here that people in other countries can only dream about. I’m privileged to be attending a world-class university, with a parent who is gainfully employed. We have access to good health care. The country’s constitution grants us many freedoms that others in the world do not have. The nation serves as an example to surrounding nations.


-I’ve managed to teach myself to stop speaking Spanish so often. Learning it in high school, and interacting with Spanish-speaking people in the US as often as I did, I was unaware of just how integrated Spanish was into my vocabulary. It’s funny when I order quesadillas here because I have to mispronounce the word for people to understand me.


-The winter holidays absolutely do not compare to those in the States. I don’t just miss the snow and the winter cold, I miss the festivity! There’s no real holiday spirit here that I’ve noticed—people seem more excited to have time off from work. Instead of Christmas carols, all I heard around Christmas was more house music. Depressing.


-I HATE IMMIGRATION.


-Customer service here, in some aspects, isn’t that great. This relates to the immigration issue a bit, but I’ve found in one or two cases that I’ve almost had to beg people to do their jobs. And the bigger problem I see is that people here are used to it, and therefore don’t challenge it.


-Speaking of challenging things, I’ve definitely become more assertive. I certainly like the realization as I get older that I don’t have to take crap. I’m more in touch with myself than ever before, and it’s easier for me to voice opinions that I might have otherwise internalized. I know what I want and am driven to do what it takes to succeed.


-No matter where I am, and no matter what flavour of mess is going on in my life, I continue to be blessed with great friends, for whom I am eternally grateful.


Of course, not everything is perfect. There's family drama, as always. I could always use more money haha. I miss my family and friends in the US like you wouldn’t believe (and that means YOU!).


But honestly, I’m a lot better off.



Listen: "I Choose" -- India.Arie